Mrs. Pressmann: I’m thinking of changing back to my maiden name.
Walter Carpenter: Can you still remember it?
i am WAY to good a blogger to just stop blogging for MONTHS. Geez, why didn’t someone message me and beg for a new post. Oh wait, someone did. Several someones and yet I still didn’t get off my duff and write one. I do this sometimes and then my fingers itch and I can’t NOT write a blog post. So here it goes.
Something has been rattling around in my head for a few months now so it’s time to put it to paper. I’m not ever getting married again. I know there are many people in my life that don’t get that but I’m not. At any time I expect my kids to show up with #teamcowboy T-shirts on and a justice of the peace. I am FOREVER A CUPID and I’ve finally really figured out why. Does anyone remember that movie with Julia Roberts and Richard Gere. No, not that one…the other one. It was called Runaway Bride and it was adorable. In it there is realization of Julia’s character that she doesn’t know how she likes her eggs. Whatever relationship she is in changes her egg order. So much so that she has NO idea how she likes them. If she’s with a harp playing tree hugger who eats scrabbled eggs? She is buying Birks and beating those eggs. If she’s with a wall street money guy who only eats poached, then she’s wearing Chanel and poaching. She has no real identity. That’s is how I feel inside of a marriage. I adapt to ‘make the other person love me’ and by the time I realize how far away from myself that I am, it’s too late. I’m no longer the person they fell in love with and more importantly I am no longer me. The change is subtle. Over time. Similar to when you put on 1 pound a week over a year…you don’t really SEE it. It just happens and then 52 week and 52 pounds later it’s a fucking shock to the system. I was not remotely the person I was 10 years into the marriage than I was at the beginning. So stating that I’m never marrying again IS NOT a reflection on my loving and sweet partner. It’s a promise to myself. To remain true to who I am. To have the most AMAZING relationship of my life and keep ME within that relationship. And how I do that, is by staying unmarried. This in no way diminishes this relationship. It in fact ENHANCES it. Because I stay the person he fell in love with. I stay me. And he gets the benefit of that person because I love her. I treat her with respect. I value her.
So I’m in a life long committed partnership with a loveable man who I can’t imagine my life without. It’s exactly what I’ve dreamt of my entire life. It allows me to be my best self. Someday we might stand up and face each other and say vows of commitment and even exchange some rings. He LOVES that idea. So do I actually. But marriage? It’s not on the table.
Maggie Carpenter: When I was walking down the aisle, I was walking toward somebody who didn’t have any idea who I really was. And it was only half the other person’s fault, because I had done everything to convince him that I was exactly what he wanted. So it was good that I didn’t go through with it because it would have been a lie. But you – you knew the real me.
I want to stay this person. This person that Cowboy loves completely. Not just for him but for me as well. Not out of fear but out of a lack of fear. I’m not changing who I am any more. There is a comfort in that…I no longer have to pretend to be something other than who I am in order to have love.
My life is EXACTLY how I want it. I’m at home in a home I love with all my heart. I work part time. I’m here when my kids come home after school. That moment when everyone comes charging through the door and there is a storm of backpacks and after school snacks? It’s my favourite part of the day. I’m active in my small community. Yesterday I joined yet another society. A community garden here in my little town is launching and I’m a director! I signed up for a fitness class that sounds fun and I’m learning to spin fibre ( a LIFE LONG dream). This is my life. This is the life I never thought possible. I’m living it everyday.
I AM FOREVER
And I like my eggs over easy.