Here’s the story. So I got married very young. I mean I wasn’t a teenager but I was 20. I married and had a baby and divorced all by the time I was 26. It wasn’t a good marriage but it produced a super kid. I chalked it up to being young and easily impressed by an older guy. He had ‘lived’ I thought and I very quickly fell in love. After we were married we moved to the States and it very quickly went south. When I left him shortly after my 25th birthday I swore off marriage. I thought that there was no way I would hitch myself to that star ever again. I didn’t think it made sense to have to listen to what another human being said for the rest of my life. It seemed tedious. It seemed like work. I was way too independent to get married again. I bought a place, dated a few guys got a hell of a good job and just lived. Then a funny thing happened. I got lonely. I mean legit lonely. I wanted a companion. But here’s the thing. I decided that I wanted a friend. I decided that the ‘roller coaster’ of relationships wasn’t for me. I wanted to really like my spouse but that the passion part of it wasn’t long lasting so if that wasn’t exactly there I was okay with that. I wanted someone who I KNEW without a shadow of a doubt would remain faithful to me and would never be abusive. I wanted someone whose fidelity I would never question. So I started online dating. I met someone and it didn’t really ‘click’. I didn’t hear from him for a month after our first meeting but then out of the blue one day he contacted me. I should mention that I didn’t quite get the hint after our first meeting so I eventually blocked him so I wouldn’t email him…..so hearing from him was quite a shock. But I was flattered that a month later he would be interested in dating me. I must have made quite the impression! Yeah I get NOW that I should have thought ‘dude you missed your chance, fuck off’ but I didn’t. anyway, long story longer we started dating. Looking back now he was the poster child for “He’s Just Not That Into You” but I didn’t care. He was simply not interested in me and never had the balls to admit it. So instead he cheated and lied and lived a double life. This double life that he blames me for. If I’m honest I blame myself for it to. Not because i made him cheat but because I was willing to settle for so little. That I cared so little for myself that a man like him could be allowed to spend time with me. I blame myself for that.
So then comes a second divorce. Sigh. How did I end up twice divorced and alone at 41? I mean come ON! But that is the past. Now I have the life I never even thought was possible. Now I have the relationship that I didn’t believe existed. Well I knew good relationships existed I just never thought there would be one for me. But that was before I met Cowboy. Aw my beautiful Cowboy. Now lets be real. He’s FAR from perfect. He’s stubborn and old fashioned. He is particular and a neat freak. He is the worst person to try to compromise with….there is no grey with Cowboy. Black or White. That’s it. BUT he loves me. I mean completely. He loves my curves. He loves my brain. He loves how I mother and he loves how I treat him. He is the most compassionate and caring man I know. He would take the shirt of his back and not complain of the cold. So I should marry him, right? I mean he asks at least once a week.
People wonder why, I mean I FINALLY found my forever man I should be dying to get married to him to spend the rest of my life with him. yeah, no thanks. I am committed to my Cowboy in a way I have never been committed before. He is the love of my life and I can’t imagine my tomorrows without him. He’s BETTER than a husband to me. Weird right? What I mean is that the men in my life who I’ve given that title have used and abused me. They have treated me like shit and left me a shell of my prior self. I’ve fought long and hard to be me again. And in that fight I found the love I want to spend the rest of my life with…it amazing. But husband? No. He is more to me than that. He is my partner, spouse, lover, best friend. He makes my toes curl and makes me catch my breathe. I will spend the rest of my days being so grateful for the opportunity to finally know what all the love songs on the radio are about.
And I’ve finally figured out me. I know what I want and what I need and the importance of being “married” isn’t at all on my radar. I’m not going to go all Halle Berry and declare on Oprah that I’ll never marry again, them get married and have to eat crow. Oooo howeer Halle’s on her third marriage, that could be just another thing we have in common. I mean besides being drop dead gorgeous black women. I’m going to quietly live my life…kind of like Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell or Oprah and Steadman or George Clooney and his waitress girlfriend of the week. Oh wait, DAMMIT George now I have to take you off the list. After all these years of “I’m not getting married, I tried it, it didn’t work” now suddenly he’s engaged. Sigh. Okay I’m all John Corbett and Bo Derek. I know, random I just can’t think of anyone else long term and I’ll be damned if I put Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick up in here!
Just a brief aside, my home page is people.com I realize that there are real life examples of non married but happy long term couples but my frame of reference is the pages of Us Magazine. I also realize that there a millions of happily married couples and that it works for a LOT of people this is just about me, were I am and what is going to work FOR ME.
I will say this I may one day go the Brad and Angelina route the forever engaged. But that might just be me wanting to wear the big ass ring without having to actually sign the piece of paper. And I doubt very much that’ll happen because there is NO WAY my cowboy is going to shell out that kind of cash and not get to say “my wife”. So I guess there’s my answer. We’ll just stay happily living in sin for the foreseeable future. Or until one of us breaks….because we are both known to be sooo flexible. Not stubborn at all! I’m sure one of us will get our way before too long. If by too long you mean never. Besides if I marry him I’m going to have to tell people his real name and that is no fun at all.