So I decided I should update exactly how my yearly intentions have changed my life. A couple years back I made the intention that I would have a Year of Awesome. It was a pretty brave statement. I was coming out of my second failed marriage. I had two children and a mountain of debt. I was starting from scratch. Again. So what the fuck was The Year of Awesome going to be? But I was determined, I was going to have a great year and no matter what my circumstance I was going to embrace it. Within WEEKS of making the intention, I met my Cowboy. Literally weeks after I sat down and said “i’m going have a year filled with awesome experiences, people and just plain fun. I am no longer going to settle for bullshit and stupid and men who don’t think I’m amazing.” I met my sweetheart in the rows of the local Wal-mart store.
This guy right here? Yes I would consider that hitting it out of the ball park.
Fast forward a year and it’s time to make my intention for the year. I decide that I’m FINALLY going to make my outside match my inside. So I set 2014 to be the Year of Style! So I set about buying a whole new wardrobe. I started REALLY looking at how people dress. I started finding my own style gurus and then I copied them. After a few months I started to gain some confidence. I started to really find what MY style was and how to buy clothes that work for me.
And guess what? A funny thing happens….as the year progresses those silly little frocks I’m buying for myself change how I feel about myself. I stop focussing on my tummy and how fat my ass is. I stop caring about the number on the scale and started a serious shopping addiction to Modcloth. I start buying ridiculously bright clothes and silly little cat print dresses. I start saying things like “oh my god I love that blue dress, I need some yellow tights to go with it” and “you know what this occasion calls for? a JUMPSUIT!” I also start getting stopped in the street and told how amazing I look. A normal trip to the local IGA has at least one or two people saying “oh my god I love your dress”. I start getting refered to as “that black chick with the amazing clothes” when people are trying to find out who I am. I am known in my little town because I look so fucking gorgeous when I leave my house. Every time. No seriously…even if I’m just running to get gas, I do it in style. Even my wellies are stylish.
And then I realized that there was a hill left to climb. I can be this person loving myself in adorable clothes but I had one other thing that really wanted to do. I wanted a professional. I wanted to lay on a bed and roll around while someone said “that’s it, perfect! YES! MORE MORE MORE! You look gorgeous!”. I mean to be fair that’s pretty much what Cowboy says every night (sometimes TWICE or THREE times a night) but I wanted a second opinion. I wanted someone who didn’t have a vested interested to see me half naked and tell me that yes, I am enough. So I called. Ha! Wait. That makes it sound easy. It wasn’t. I was scared as hell but I knew that I could no longer run from who I am. I was going to conquer this fear. I was going to wear very little clothes and let someone take pictures of me. And on top of all that, I was going to LIKE IT. I could be scared, NO, I could be terrified but it wasn’t going to stop me. I wish I could tell you of some exhaustive search but I already knew who I was going to trust. Months ago I had ‘met’ (virtually on facebook) a lady named Star. I adored her immediately and I knew from looking at her work that I could trust her. I was right. If you happen to be in Alberta, anywhere between Red Deer and Edmonton then you NEED to spend some time with Star. Bouncing on a bed while she tells you how fantastic you look. Using her camera as a way to show you that you are enough. Trust me, you want a professional and Acts of Beauty is exactly that…..The thing that stuck out in my head was when she said “you don’t worry about what YOU perceive as your ‘trouble’ areas…just BE and I’ll do the rest”. And oh let me tell you, she did. I did this photo shoot for me. And then because I have been so fortunate to meet a man who loves me and sees me as the most beautiful woman he has the pleasure of loving I gave this gift to him.
Today is his 50th birthday. He loves me completely. I am the most loved I have ever been. And for his birthday he received a book of the most intimate, beautiful, real pictures of me that have ever been taken.
That is all I can show to the world. Although now that Cowboy has the album I’m pretty sure every trucker between here and Texas is going to get “Wanna see something? THIS is MY woman” as he thrusts his new album at them. So, that is me. That is me at 45 years old. That is me LOVING myself. Yes. He IS a very lucky man. And yes, he knows it.